Black Is A Stallion

Mar 01

Best Review So Far of “Burning Love” Season 2

She is a total stupid broad. She should have stayed a lesbian because she destroy the woman race. The prince is a tota; #$%$ stopp the possible reproduction of human babies because those off springs will be #$%$ed or live off society because both stupid ding dongs are totally I cannot call them #$%$s because those two are lower intel than a #$%$. Why is it always white people that has dumb people shows? That other show Honey BooBoo another stupid no talent show again white people? I am sure there are other races or ethnicities that are just as dumb but why only whites are shown? That girl don’t need a show she need to be placed in a mental institute and those guys are losers just like the guy that came out with these shows. Are we become this stupid to give shows to totally #$%$…. people? Make a show about the soldiers that came back from our wars that would be real but stop dumming out America!!!

Mar 28

blackandhodgmanabroad:

2 Minutes away. Michael Ian Black—are you receiving? 

Receiving. Awaiting.

Mar 10

thewaitisogre said: Hi, I'd like to tell you about how Mark Hoppus from Blink-182 fame has a tumblr and I've told him he arouses me but he has never responded. You, Michael Ian Black, arouse me as well and I would like a reply so I'm not left hanging like that bimbo Mark Hoppus left me hanging. Thanks.

Mark and I just jerked each other off while thinking about you.

Slut Bitch Whore

Everybody is outraged – OUTRAGED! – over language hurled against women these last few weeks. First it was Rush Limbaugh. Then Bill Maher. Now Louis C.K. has resigned from hosting the Radio and TV Correspondent’s Dinner after Greta Van Susteren threatened a boycott because during the last election Louis called Sarah Palin a cunt.

From Greta Van Susteren’s blog: “he changed his mind less than 24 hours after I called for a boycott.  I assume many others jumped on the call for the boycott and thus he made the right decision.  We did it together.”

 

Sincere congratulations to Ms. Van Susteren. You asked for his removal and you got it. The lesson: words have consequences. His words, your words, everybody’s words. Mr. Rogers would be thrilled.

 

No word yet on Ms. Van Susteren success in her boycott of Rush Limbaugh’s show because no such boycott exists. Why the selective outrage? Because, as always, these things have far less to do with what was said and more to do with who said them. Like the words themselves, they have to be viewed in context.

 

The difference between what Louis said, and what Rush said is this: in his apology, Rush made a point of saying that his personal attacks on Ms. Fluke, were not intended “as a personal attack on Ms. Fluke.”  

In other words, when he specifically called Sandra Fluke a “slut,” “a prostitute,” and encouraged her to post sex videos of herself online so he could watch, it was not personal. It was, therefore, general. Which I, for one, believe because it fits perfectly within the larger context of Rush Limbaugh’s twenty-plus years of ad hominem attacks on “feminazis” and gratuitous comments about all female journalists as “news babes.”

With Louis, his insult was actually the opposite: it was a highly personal attack. The target of his insult, Sarah Palin, so infuriated him that he felt the need to call her the very worst name he could think of. His insult referred to a specific woman at a specific time and place.

Did Louis cross the line? Yeah. Did Bill Maher? Yeah. Have I at times? Yeah. Has Greta Van Susteren ever crossed the line? Have you, in your personal conversations? Yeah. We all have. The difference is context. Do a Google search of the horrible shit Rush Limbaugh has said about women. Then do a search on Louis C.K.  See if it’s comparable.

Louis did use those words, and opted to drop out of an incestuous Washington dinner party rather than make himself the focus of this recurring debate on language. But the reason more people don’t give a shit about what Louis C.K. said is not because of a liberal bias – does anybody even know what Louis C.K.’s politics are, aside from hating Sarah Palin (a sentiment shared by many Republicans)?– but because the charge of misogyny just doesn’t hold a lot of water with Louis.

With Rush it does. Regular listeners to Rush Limbaugh’s program, as I have been for years, are not surprised when he finds himself lambasted for his petulance, name-calling, and race baiting. It’s what he does. He’s kind of a cunt that way.

Feb 27

To the Inept

Some people emerge into adulthood as fully formed human beings, confident and able. These are people with clear visions of themselves, people who stride into the world with strong handshakes and winning smiles. I was not one of those people. As I entered adulthood, I had some vague idea about the kind of person I would like to become, but my expectations for myself never quite aligned with the reality I lived, the way a door sometimes hangs badly off its hinges.

In my head, I was a suave, debonair man about town, slayer of womanly hearts. In reality, I was a zitty, awkward introvert and a bad kisser who spent most nights alone in his apartment eating Buffalo chicken wings out of a cardboard box. Then one day I found myself living in the suburbs with a wife and two kids, utterly bewildered as to how I found myself in the circumstances of my own life.

So I wrote a book to figure out how I got here and what to do about it. 

The book is called You’re Not Doing It Right, which is a sentence my wife said to me the first time I ever smoked pot, but which I think pretty much describes how I have felt about myself my entire life.

I suspect there are many people out who feel as I used to, that everybody else has their shit figured out, that they are the only ones muddling through life with this intense feeling of incompetence, that any successes that have are accidental and any failures deserved.

But the older I get, the more I realize people like me, the befuddled and inept, are actually the majority. We’re like a massive army of morons. None of us has any idea what we are doing. Yet somehow we remain upright. Somehow we manage to tie our shoes and feed ourselves. Some of us find love. Some of us make babies, and sometimes it’s even on purpose.

And sometimes we fuck it all up.

If writing this book taught me anything, it’s that I cannot figure anything out. Not personally and not professionally. The plans that I make inevitably go awry, the choices I make almost always seem incorrect, and yet somehow here I am, forty years old and happy. Of course, I take a lot of pills, but still.

You’re Not Doing It Right will probably not grant you any wisdom. It will solve none of your problems. It will not give you washboard abs. But if you get anything out of it, I hope it’s this: we are all colossal fuck-ups, every single one of us, and if, by some reason, you are one of the happy few who never takes a false step and always knows exactly what is just around every corner, you’re doing it wrong.

Sep 23

hannahclaired said: You have a twitter, tumblr, and now I see a website? Get off the computer and come hangout with me. I have no shame in buying your friendship. Just throw me some of those smart ass lines. Not kidding that much. Come here now.

I don’t know you or where you live but if I had a jetpack and a good map, I’d fly over there, spewing diesel fumes all over your neighborhood. And then, just as the neighbors crawled from their homes, confusedly wiping the sleep from their eyes, I would dismount and say, “I’m here, friend.” Then we go to the kitchen and make some snacks. After that, spooning. Simple Platonic spooning, followed by simple Platonic necking, fingering, and plowing. Then bed.

star-latino said: loved the CC special

Thanks. It felt pretty good about you too.

imcrushingyourhead said: I don't care that you have a wife and kids, can't we just have an affair? I want to go down that long path that leads to you sleeping with me.

:D

Ok. Just don’t talk. Just lay there and do what I tell you and when I’ve finished my business you need to just pick your shit up and go. You will be my sex slave. If you are good at making waffles, that’s also a big plus.

comedygangbang-deactivated20121 said: i wrote you a letter on my tumblr in regards to the hurt i feel that i can't see you play in charleston, sc because your show was sold out. i might be falling into a depression.

I hope you came out of your depression. I’ll be there again next week at some school. You can come see me there.

wrenlaughslast said: My friend Matt told me that one time at a fair in Connecticut your daughter bit his hand when he asked her to leave a bouncy house and it drew blood and you didn't even apologize. I think that's fantastic.

I don’t remember this incident but why should I apologize for what my daughter did? If he wants to press charges, you tell that fucker to lawyer up. And bring a big fucking checkbook because it’s going to get ugly. Also, I’m sorry.

Sep 10

Somebody Forwarded Me This: I Liked It

A Poem for 9/11/11

Whatever you say about it will be stupid

But say it anyway.

Whatever you were doing doesn’t matter

But tell us anyway.

Whoever you are

Wherever you were

However much you try

None of it

Can replace any of what was lost

But try to anyway.

Aug 22

Comparing 3 Actual, Serious, Not Funny Diseases by Funniness

Bulimia > Anorexia

Spinal Bifida > Cerebral Palsy

Genital Herpes > AIDS

Aug 11

The “Black is White” Tour Schedule!

18-Aug
Louisville, KY
http://improvlouisville.com/show_right.cfm?id=79379

7-Sep
Athens, GA
www.40watt.com

8-Sep
Atlanta, GA
http://www.ferstcenter.gatech.edu/plugins/shows/index.php?id=461

9-Sep
Asheville, NC
http://theorangepeel.net/events/michael-ian-black/

10-Sep
Charleston, SC
8pm
http://www.etix.com/ticket/online/homePageSearch.do?method=showPerformanceDetail&performance_id=1525941&search_source=etix
10pm
http://www.etix.com/ticket/online/homePageSearch.do?method=showPerformanceDetail&performance_id=1525947&search_source=etix

15-Sep
Minneapolis, MN
http://www.ticketfly.com/purchase/event/52123?utm_medium=bks

16-Sep
Madison, WI
https://www.etix.com/ticket/online/performanceSearch.jsp?performance_id=1519895&cobrand=majesticmadison

17-Sep
Milwaukee, WI
http://pabsttheater.org/show/michaelianblack2011

23-Sep
Portland, OR
http://www.ticketmaster.com/event/0F0046EFA3A16B09?brand=&tm_link=tm_homeA_h3

24-Sep
Seattle, WA
http://purchase.tickets.com/buy/TicketPurchase?pid=7021464

27-Sep
Columbia, SC
Closed to the public, college show

7-Oct
Austin, TX
http://transmission.frontgatetickets.com/choose.php?a=1&lid=57584&eid=65625

8-Oct
Fort Worth, TX
http://www.basshall.com/eventsnew.jsp?performanceID=8716

14-Oct
Boston, MA
http://www.ticketmaster.com/event/010046E7CE8D99F3?artistid=1025051&majorcatid=10002&minorcatid=51

15-Oct
South Burlington, VT
http://higherground.frontgatetickets.com/choose.php?a=1&lid=57533&eid=65578

3-Nov
Ann Arbor, MI
http://aacomedy.com/

4-Nov
Cleveland Heights, OH
http://www.ticketweb.com/t3/sale/SaleEventDetail?dispatch=loadSelectionData&eventId=3819775

5-Nov
Chicago, IL
http://event.etix.com/ticket/online/frontDoor.jsp?performance_id=1522275&cobrand=jamusa

10-Nov
New York, NY
TBD by NY Comedy Festival

11-Nov
Philadelphia, PA
http://www.ticketmaster.com/event/020046F2B8308FAA

12-Nov
Baltimore, MD
TBD by Ottobar

16-Nov
Los Angeles, CA
http://largo.laughstub.com/show.cfm?id=92731

17-Nov
San Francisco, CA
8pm
http://www.ticketmaster.com/event/1C0046F3E97C71E4

18-Nov
San Francisco, CA
8pm
http://www.ticketmaster.com/event/1C0046F3E97171E0

18-Nov
San Francisco, CA
10:15pm
http://www.ticketmaster.com/event/1C0046F3E97371E1

19-Nov
San Francisco, CA
8pm
http://www.ticketmaster.com/event/1C0046F3E97671E2

19-Nov
San Francisco, CA
10:15pm
http://www.ticketmaster.com/event/1C0046F3E97971E3

1-Dec
Washington, DC
http://www.ticketmaster.com/event/150046F38C403521

2-Dec
Durham, NC
http://www.ticketmaster.com/event/0E0046ECA285E94B?artistid=1025051&majorcatid=10002&minorcatid=51

3-Dec
Richmond, VA
http://www.ticketmaster.com/event/010046F2C4D3B785

Aug 10

[video]

Aug 05

If You’ve Ever Wondered Where All My Winning Self-Deprecation Comes From

Just read the comment section of this AV Club interview I did. Just a marvelous potpourri of hatred: