The Butler Family Christmas Letter As Written to Friends and Family From the Point of View of Their Dog Kodiak (WARNING: ADORABLE!!!)
Dear family and friends and pets,
Once again, my master David is too busy to sit down and write a holiday letter so he asked me, his best friend, to do it for him. Once again, I said yes, even though my paws are still aching from typing last year’s letter! I sure wish they taught touch typing in obedience school! Ha ha.
Well, another year has come and gone. Hard to believe that Coby and Ashley are a year older, and so is the lady of the house, Annie, although she looks about seven years older! Hey, she ages just like a dog – only kidding, Annie. Woof!
Coby finally began playing football this year. He started in three games and made lots of tackles. Gosh, that Coby is so ferocious, I might be out of a job soon protecting the house from burglars! Does the NFL have a place for him in their future? His father knows the odds are against it, but if he was a betting man (and if you are reading this, you know that he is) he would bet the house! He also got terrific grades. All A’s and B’s and one C. Also, he grew three inches this year. Way to go, Coby. Woof!
Ashley is fine too.
A special Woof! Woof! to the lady of the house, our dear Annie, who started a part-time job this year at a local clothing store because being a homemaker and mother to two beautiful children and one dog wasn’t “fulfilling” enough.
Which was weird to hear from David’s point of view because he was under the impression that he’d given her everything she’d ever wanted. Two kids, a big house, the nice Volvo SUV she wanted for her birthday, and of course, me, Kodiak.
So it was strange for all of us in the house to hear that she wasn’t feeling fulfilled. The kids felt it, David felt it, and I felt it too. Her first day at work was my first day at home by myself. I spent the day in that big house, my house, with nothing to do. After a few hours I noticed a thread on the sofa. I pulled on it and it came out some more. And then I chewed on it some more. And after that I found some more use for that thread, and some more use and pretty soon the couch was in pretty bad shape.
I also threw up on the floor.
David got home first and he was not happy with the state of the furniture or the floor. But he was less happy with Annie when she got home. They had a pretty bad fight. And then David left home. He was gone for a long time. The kids were sad. I was sad too.
So I started writing this letter. It started because David wanted me to write another one of those chipper Christmas letters, but now it’s kind of evolved into something else. Because there’s some pretty serious trouble going on in the Butler house and sometimes it seems like I’m the only one dealing with it.
Ashley is an anorexic. That’s just obvious. Nobody’s dealing with that. Everybody thinks she’s eating her dinner every night. No. She’s feeding me under the table. I think Annie likes that Ashley is losing the weight. The more she loses, the closer they seem to grow. “How do you do it?” asks Annie. “How do you do it?”
Ashley just smiles.
Cody seems happiest of everybody. I think he actually does love football but he has little talent for the game and will most likely end up in a wheelchair if he doesn’t put on a little muscle. But that’s unlikely. The boy has no work ethic. He still tries to light my tail on fire sometimes with the kitchen matches. One night I will kill him in his sleep. I will too.
I’m old and will probably die before next Christmas. So, happy Christmas. Thanks for the fun. My paws are getting tired again and if I’m going to get some of that turkey I ought to head into the kitchen. Woof.
Kodiak
